


Mortarion vs. The Virus

by lionofwrath



Category: Warhammer 40.000
Genre: Non-Explicit Sex, Other, meddling with Slaanesh leads to orgies, this is mostly just silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-06
Updated: 2015-12-06
Packaged: 2018-05-05 06:02:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5364107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lionofwrath/pseuds/lionofwrath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vaguely based on the prompt ‘ship’s computer crashes due to virus acquired during a porn download from a lower decks ensign’.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mortarion vs. The Virus

Mortarion was having a lovely afternoon when loud moaning suddenly filled the room, a mixture of male, female, mechanical, and other voices he didn’t particularly want to place. The sound was broadcasting over the Endurance’s internal vox-system, he realised. Mortarion frowned, this was a ship dedicated to Nurgle, not a Slaaneshi brothel. He engaged the vox in his chambers intending to yell at the bridge staff. A shriek of orgasmic pleasure filled the room and Mortarion hastily cut the connection.

Beyond disgusted he stormed out of his chambers, almost tripping over a Nurgling in the hallway with its hands over its ears. It looked up at him with big sad eyes and whined pitifully. Feeling irrationally upset at its distress, Mortarion picked it up, letting it cuddle against his chest. As he headed to the bridge the moaning noise varied in intensity, punctuated by what sounded like screaming orgasms. It made his head ache terribly, he petted the Nurgling soothingly as it whimpered in unhappiness.

‘Captain. What in the Warp is going on here?’ Mortarion had to shout to be heard over the noise. The captain turned around to address him. Mortarion refrained from looking at the man too closely, the captain had certainly been very blessed by Nurgle.

‘We’re not sure yet, my lord.’ The man screamed at him.

Mortarion was forced to use his wings to shield himself and the Nurgling he was carrying from the flying spittle. Really, even a daemon prince could only take so much before things crossed the line into gross. ‘Figure it out faster.’ He snarled. ‘This is intolerable.’

The man saluted and went back to yelling at the crew. Mortarion stroked the Nurgling’s head as he waited impatiently for a status update. A woman ran up to the captain, then saw Mortarion and directed her words to him instead.

‘My lord, the machine spirits have caught a virus.’

Mortarion stared at her. ‘We worship Nurgle.’ Considering what she looked like, he didn’t feel this was a reminder she really needed.

‘Ah, not our kind of virus, my lord. It’s a Slaaneshi virus.’

‘Lieutenant are you telling me that the Endurance caught a STD?’ He sounded surprisingly calm despite the situation. Or maybe that was just shock.

‘I guess so, yes.’

‘How?’

‘It seems to originate from a lower deck.’

They all winced as particularly loud panting echoed around the bridge. Bloody tech-priests probably caused it, Mortarion thought in irritation. ‘You,’ he pointed at the lieutenant. ‘Get down to the lower decks. You have my permission to kick in tech-priest heads until this is sorted.’ She grinned nastily and Mortarion decided he liked her. ‘You,’ he passed the Nurgling to the captain. ‘Hold this.’ The man went rather pale as the Nurgling buried its head in his chest. Literally.

‘What are you going to do, my lord?’ By Nurgle, the man could spit. Mortarion kept his wings between them as a precaution.

‘I’m going, somewhere else.’ He made what he hoped was a dignified dash towards the door before the captain could respond.

There were cultists fornicating in the hall. Mortarion picked his way carefully over them, apparently the Noise had some kind of subliminal conversion message. Now that he was getting used to the sound he could hear background echoes, screaming mostly. It scraped across his mind, running down his spine, heat pooling in his...no, he was not thinking about that. This needed to be fixed.

A stunned Death Guard was standing in a doorway watching some cultists writhe on the floor. Mortarion gazed in that direction. Oh, that was...oh. He tilted his head, he had seen a picture of that in a book once but hadn’t thought it was physically possible.

‘My lord?’ The marine behind him shouted.

Mortarion shook off the allure of the Noise. Focus, he was going to stop this. ‘Find me some humans still loyal to Nurgle and bring them to the ritual chamber, we need to do something about this.’ The marine nodded and ran off. Mortarion was relieved someone still had some sense.

He continued down the corridor only to pause as a cultist lurched up and started to hump his leg. Mortarion clubbed him in the head, sending him into a pile of his fellows who all turned to see what the disturbance was. The overly interested look in their eyes sent Mortarion running down the hallway before they got too close. He barricaded himself in the ritual chamber while waiting. It was blissfully quiet inside, the internal vox wasn’t wired to this room.

There was a knock on the door and a shouted ‘My lord!’ Mortarion took a moment to debate whether the sex-crazed cultists retained enough mind to knock and speak. Probably not. He opened the door and ushered the group in.

The cultists immediately set up a ritual and got started on praying. He wondered if Nurgle could hear it over all the moaning on the vox. He needed a Plan B. ‘Any ideas if this doesn’t work?’ He asked the marine. The Death Guard stared blankly at him. Great, he’d picked a bright one, the man’s brains were probably as rotted as the rest of him.

‘There’s that Grey Knight we captured, my lord. Maybe he could banish the daemon possession?’ The man cringed under Mortarion’s surprised gaze. That was actually not a bad idea.

‘That’s actually not a bad idea.’ Mortarion considered the door. ‘Getting there is going to be quite the achievement though.’ He turned back to the cultists. ‘Can you get through to Grandfather?’

One of the women shook her head sadly. ‘There’s too much interference, my lord.’

Bloody wonderful, the sex-cultist infested corridors it was then. ‘Keep trying.’ He ordered. ‘Marine, you head down to the lower decks. I’ll meet you there with the prisoner.’

‘Yes, my lord.’

The Noise hit him with an almost physical force as he stepped into the corridor. A very pleasant physical force...no, he was still not thinking about that. He pelted down the hallway with a terrible lack of grace, sending cultist and Death Guard bodies alike flying in his wake. Mortarion skidded around a corner, slipping on a fluid that was definitely not Nurgle-approved.

He slammed the door behind him as he shot into the prison then carefully locked it before turning around. The Grey Knight’s expression was caught between amusement and horror. ‘We’re having technical difficulties.’ The expression drifted further toward horror. Mortarion scowled, his sense of humour wasn’t that bad. ‘A Slaaneshi virus has taken over my ship. If you get rid of it I’ll drop you off on an Imperial planet. You have my word.’ Mortarion thought that was a very generous offer.

The marine disagreed, judging by the torrent of abuse coming out of his mouth. ‘I’ve been called worse.’ Mortarion waited a few more minutes. Actually, that insult was new, and quite rude. ‘I’m not sure a good servant of the Emperor should know words like that.’ Now if he wanted to put that filthy mouth to better use, Mortarion was sure he could find something to do with it. He wrenched his mind back to his task with an effort. ‘You aren’t really grasping the importance of what’s happening here. Do you want to be a servant of Slaanesh?’

The man shut his mouth at that, then sighed. ‘Fine, I’ll see what I can do.’

Mortarion blinked in surprise, that was far too easy, the Imperial was obviously planning something. Or the idea of being beholden to Slaanesh was suitably terrifying, he mused. ‘We’re going down to the lower decks, it’ll be rough making it down there.’

The Knight nodded placidly. Of course, he couldn’t hear the Noise in here, he had no clue how bad it was. Mortarion unlocked the chains holding the man to the wall, leaving his wrists tied together. He didn’t trust the Knight that much. ‘At least you’re resistant to daemonic possession.’

‘Wha…’ The words were cut off as Mortarion opened the door and dragged the marine through it. The man’s face was bright red, whether it was from his comment, the Noise or the sex-crazed cultists, Mortarion wasn’t sure. It was funny though, and rather arousing. No, focus on getting to the lower decks, not how cute and half-naked the Knight was. ‘I’ll carry you, we’ll make better time.’ He snorted, yes, that would help him stay focussed. He swept the furiously blushing marine up into his arms and took off down the corridor.

They made it to the lower decks without too much incident. Mortarion didn’t count his hand slipping across the Knight’s chest as an incident, not really. Unconscious tech-priests littered the floor of the deck and Mortarion could hear the lieutenant from the bridge threatening someone. He grinned, he liked her more and more. Dropping the Grey Knight unceremoniously on the floor he strode over to join her and the Death Guard from earlier.

She was yelling at a tech-priest whose gaze was firmly fixed on her breasts. ‘My lord. I was just about to slap some sense into this one.’

The man turned to address Mortarion, or rather his crotch. ‘As I was explaining, one of the junior tech-priests downloaded Slaaneshi Sluts 25 into the main system instead of isolating it like I told her to. It’s cursed you see, makes you horny.’

No shit, Mortarion rolled his eyes. The tech-priest seemed very well-spoken for someone whose eyes were riveted to Mortarion’s groin. ‘My eyes are up here.’ The man didn’t move. Mortarion sighed. Fine, whatever. ‘So what can we do about it?’

‘Oh, it’s nothing to worry about. It’ll wear off in a few hours. Or days.’

The man’s total nonchalance turned him on. No, angered him, he was sure that was his anger rising.

‘Might as well enjoy it while it lasts, right?’

‘Touch me and lose it.’ The man retracted his wandering appendages hastily. Mortarion knocked him unconscious just in case.

He looked around. The lieutenant and the Knight were enthusiastically getting to know each other, so much for that demonic resistance then. They seemed to be having quite a bit of fun, he wondered if he should join them. A pained whimper from his right distracted him.

The Death Guard marine was watching him with unconcealed lust. He considered the trembling man, he was attractive enough in a blessed-by-Nurgle sort of way. And Mortarion could feel the Noise’s influence creeping even further into his mind. He gave in to it. ‘Wanna fuck?’

The man tackled him to the floor in a clatter of armour that Mortarion took as a fervent yes. Then there were hands groping under his armour and he stopped thinking completely.

* * *

‘So, what’s your name then?’ He asked the marine resting on top of him.

‘Terrence, my lord.’

‘Nice to meet you, Terrence. Do you see my trousers anywhere?’

Wordlessly, the man pointed up.

Mortarion squinted at the ceiling. ‘Ah.’


End file.
